Mom

Its been 20 years and I still havent met you
we still dont know each other
but I am learning who you were, before I was

Im reading your dreams, FDIM!! Really mom! You were accepted!
Mom thats wonderful! I feel a bit guilty for taking your dreams from you
maybe you didnt go because you didnt think it would be practical.

I swear to God I will burst into flames if I see another person give up on their dreams because its not practical

Mom, these words your writing..theyre beautiful
and Im realizing we are more alike than I thought
I am your daughter and I hope that you are proud of me

I am going to live each and every dream, because you couldn't
Thank you for giving me all this

stop holding my breath

Czech republic visa approved and ready for my pickup

I cannot wait to return to NY Consulate passport in hand, smile on face.

I can finally breathe

I just need to find out my work schedule

I found everything, no black hole in this room

I dreamt you died and woke up in your bed, and was happy that your alive
what is it about you that I need to have?

Your youth, curiousity, everlasting trust/belief that this world is good and beautiful?
I'm seeing it again, I hate that I have to leave you always.

But I'll come back and I'll be here for a while, for you.

the I will List

within the next 7 days I will

get a job

get my license

go surfing at least 2x

beach it till im black and brown

finish essay

book ticket

USAC

this is it

the last night
and i hope to god it ends soon
it cant go by any slower
i want to shoot them all
this is it
this is the fucking last

the list

of things that will happen when i am home

kapena falls
seven falls
sacred falls
manana trail
get a fucking job
catamaran boat ride
floatie waikiki rental
license
snorkeling (northshore)
waianae beach day
see kamalei/baby

a few things i wanted to say

I feel better

stupid

ive never felt this way before
its kind of liberating

cause you just dont give a fuck and it doesnt really bother you

and it doesnt matter anyway cause when she tells you you failed
shes speaking french
and you failed french
so you dont understand a word.

my skin is itching, so im trying to scratch the new york off it.

the last

of everything

usually makes you sad, makes you remember the good, makes you realize this place isnt so bad (but only because you have to be here for a few more days)

but no

crawling! its crawling! my skin! its itching!

ughhh boiling!...the worst part is tomorrow, im excited to get it over with but not to dealt with it

FUCKKK PURCHASE COLLEGE!
FUCKKKK BK HIPSTERS
FUCKKKK MY FRENCH PROFESSOR!!
FUCKKK YOU PRETENTIOUS TRUST FUND BABIES!

I HATE!
I HATE IT ALL!

and i rarely hate you allllll!!!!

all your fuckingclubs are shit, everything here is student run, and you are all lazy fucks who just get seats of power through nepotism and all you do is take our money and come up with bullshit excuses for clubs which is really just you and your friends smoking weed with the schools money

your anti-establishment blah blah blah

your insults are empty so are your threats

you dont reallystand for anything

you just stand for anything anti

well stupidfucks you need bureaucracy thats how shit gets done

of course you wouldnt know

you've never done anything

I take

for granted many things
i get so envious when i see people doing things, things I want to do
not of what they have, what they're feeling

I get overwhelmed by how young I am sometimes how much more I have to learn to see and do
and feel

yet I am pausing now, to look back at the two years I have spent
living...pictures they help remind me of how much life I have lived
how much life there is in me, in every moment I saturate fully

oh these pictures I want to thank you
for reminding me, and now I am moving on again

and moving literally, packing and well it is just another life lesson
another accomplishment for myself

something I did on my own,

its a great thing to still have the ability to surprise myself.
and I am and I do.

and I will.

cry

I need to cry im holding too much in

but it wont let me, the tears wont come

i dreamt of intestines which symbolizes a great evil, or disaster

i fear this is what may come

i have everything i ever wanted, no one ever gets everything they want

my skin is crawling, i cant stand to be here any longer

but i have to, for 9 days

i love you so much my heart cant take it

i wish i were a better person for you, i promise im trying

I get excited

and I draw pictures

thank you

If your going to try, go all the way...otherwise dont even start.
This could mean losing girlfriends, wives, relatives and maybe even your mind.
It could mean not eating for 3 or 4 days
It could mean freezing on a park bench
It could mean jail
It could mean delusion
It could mean mockery
Isolation
Isolation is the gift
All others are a test of your endurance, of how much you really want to do it
And you'll do it despite rejection and the worst odds
And it will be better than anythingelse you can imagine
If you're going to try, go all the way
There is no other feelinglike that
You will be alone with the Gods, and the nights will flae with fire
You will ride life straight to perfect laughter. Its the only good fight there is.

-Charles Bukowski

-Linda

easily satisfied

what a simple being i am

flavor will always make me feel better

like this which is lindas but she left so im sucking/drinkinghers

i feel 10 again sitting in my chinese neighbor's room laughing

notice how my white face matches the white walls ( i've started packing, im moving again)

your turning into john wayne

these past 2 days i've felt an utter sense of scurrilous disgust for myself
its not one of those fat days or bad hair days
but rather an aspersion

it has to to do with who i am
I dont know why such rectitude resonates so strongly within me
but 2 years ago I said I wanted to save the world
I dont know why but ever since then I've been taking on the weight of the world
learning about other cultures, places how theyre different beautiful and flawed

i am about to embark on a 6 month journey through europe it is what i always wanted
yet at the moment i want to just disappear, crawl into a cave and not let anyone find me
I always had this urgency to explore the unknown yet the more i learn
the more I am disappointed and let down
by the power of hate

i wish so hard sometimes that I didnt care so much or know so much

the happiest people are truly the dumbest
ignorance is bliss

how do I feel about being an American?

I feel aware, appreciative and guilty

I have all these privileges I did nothing to deserve
I didnt fight, I didnt pay, I didnt suffer and I have so much

i say thank you over and over
but its not enough

and it angers me when people complain about the littlest things
your problems are nothing theyre minuit
do you have electricity? a bed? water?

i should shut up because although I dont complain and I understand that I am so lucky, and understand life without the basics but only through the books and movies i've read and seen

not through first hand experience, I have this burden
And I feel as though the only way I can relieve my self of it is to suffer
to feel what others feel, their pain take some of their pain away so they hurt less
and i dont care that ill hurt more.

God! yes! God! i sound like i want to be fucking jesus

yet im nowhere near him
superhero syndrome

do they have pills for this?

I am thankful but I want to rid myself of it all, I dont need this much

goddamn it I wish I didnt have so many feelings

waking up

from dreaming

i got so used to having you around now that your not all i feel is this lonely seperation
it all seems like a wonderful dream that has ended now that i am woken up
finals, study, pack shit
2 weeks home

i can do this
i can do this
i can do this

if i say it enough times ill believe it

i can do this

sweet disposition

fine we wont talk

its okay i have lots who do talk to me, and love me
and i will have more

my life is wonderful with or without you

you really don't make a difference






but obviously you do if I am thinking about you now and writing it

and theres still sand in my boots from coney island
i think that is one of my favorite spots in the whole world even though the weather is always terrible there

we thought you forgot

but you didnt

fuckin linda is a twat...she said it and now its happenning

but im glad because I would have never let myself say it

and it needed to be said

I will love her always

headspin

today i thought all my dreams were going to die, but now i found out everything is okay

if the czech republic is like their consulate oh fuckkkyesss!!!

i am getttinggg laiddddd!!

oh and linda taught me howto make this and its delicious

shes not here, shes in massachusetts

but i will see her in a few hours in jersey

i fucking love us, traveling duo, shes someone i can count on

i love my international friends

If I told you the truth you wouldnt believe me

i am a kid

i aint no grown ass woman

"Twat!"

How the fuck am I suppose to leave this moment? I want to sit in it forever!

Bestfriends seeing a picture of a moment we shared leads to another moment shared!

wave of euphoria

Utopia

Infinite.

these moments are the best. this person

time to play

im going to go get my best friend in the city
were gonna go hard for 2 weeks
then finals

then i come home
and play some more

approved!

affirmative thinking

i am a firm believer that your thoughts are magnetic and pull the forces of the universe to help you get what you want

so...

dear universe,

APPROVE! APPROVE! APPROVE! APPROVE! AAAAAAAPPPPPPPRRRRRRRROOOOOVVVVEEEEEEE!!!

thats it just approve it please

I swear to god I have the weirdest dreams during my midday naps.

i just want an approval

en vie

so my russian visa is only for a month

and i didnt know what to do for the whole month i have until my studyabroad program

now i know

im going to bavaria, germany and working on a farm

yes i am! im spending my summer in the countryside of germany!!

and russia! and the french film festival ended

goddamn it was awesome still relinquishing in all my free shit

like these amazinggg french drinks that taste like cream soda but are healthy!

oh and my best friend arrives in 2 days!!!

you dont know how excited i am to be alive!!

oddly wonderful

i woke this morning feeling like im somewhere else
like nothing in the world could bother me
that i no longer knew you
and i liked it

and then i loved you, because i cried
but it was a dream but i feel like it happenned
and im gonna let myself think it has because its left me feeling this way
which i can describe as utter utopia

there are some

truly wonderful people in this world

the ones that remembered matter

this is kaitlynn, 20 years old, happy beyond belief!

its not everyday

you get a special invitation from Russia

or mail from Russia

or a visa application for Czech Republic

or invited to go to Dublin and Amsterdam for a ffucking insane time

or you turn 20, and the fact that you are alive is enough reason to be happy and celebrate with life

note to self

happy 20th birthday

im sorry i couldnt celebrate
and let you do anything and everything kaitlynn today

but it seems im too busy to have a birthday
so does this mean that im not 20?

everyone failed
never expect people to do more than the norm, they are so ordinary and average

tricked

purchase tricked me
i thought it was a place for those who are different, the minorities
its not..it was confirmed when i actually met better versions of people i already knew
the ones i loved, hated purchase as much as i do, or purchase hates them

the decision to leave is perfect

im a misfit among misfits, but im not alone

i learned that i am that 1 out of 4 people (the exceptions)
the ones who truly cant fit in, even in a school built on the perception of challenging the norm
theyre the most mundane individuals ive met

hipsters are the most disgusting group of people, and i just cant get along with black people

i am usually a good judge of character but i totally misread her
ill invite her home

im sorry i overlooked you
lets be friends now

that just happenned

atlanta
i found better versions of people i already knew
of course i make wonderful friends when im about to leave
i wished that i carried around a bag a rocks so i could throw them at you
then you compliment me relentlessly.shit.

italian films suck
there are more bad than good, but the good outshines the good
i can handle anything

i lost my ipod (again) and my fisheye camera
and i dont even care

im a dirty jerk

i have to go on a diet. not for my weight for my body, i was very mean to it last week

im all disheveled
i cant believe it all happenned
i felt like was thrown in a blender with 14 other odd flavors and made this weird but delicious shake
and now its gone

i need a vacation from my vacation
i want to go back but i like where i am now

i used to be jealous when i traveled alone, and saw people in groups
now i cant wait to be alone again

im very likeable

i have one month left in New york
this always happens the last days are always the best days

fearless

a friend once told me that in order to become a pro surfer/skater or in any extreme sport, you have to have reached it by age 20....
the chinese raise some of the best gymnastists in the world, all before they have reached the age of 16...

why am I speaking of this?

I consider these to be some of the most dangerous and extreme activities...
think about it...running at full speed at an inatimate object, flinging your self into the air while trying to land on a 6 inch beam...or reaching over 20 mph on a piece of wood, 6 inches wide, on a concrete ramp flying into the air...and trying to land steady on this piece of wood 6 inches long with 4 wheels attached to it...or paddling into a huge tsunami, over three times the size of you with the crushing force of the waves overhead and harsh brittle reef below...
NUTS...i tell you nuts!
why in the fuck do people do this!

and all at such a young age...

I read once that your risk assesment skills are not fully developed until you reach 21...could this be why..

that at such a young age we are not able to feel fear as easily as those who are are older..
hmm perhaps this has a link to juvenile delinquency...when your young, you think your invincible and fear nothing, not your parents, not gravity, not the law, and not life.

I had an anxiety attack the other day...because I realized that at 18 I left the only place I ever called home, left all my friends/my parents/my family, moved out, took out an ass load of student loans and moved an ocean and country away to a place I had never been to before..why? Fearless...

I was fearless, I wasnt afaird of failure, of debt, of lonelieness, of life.

And had I waited a year, or two...I would never have done what I did..I would have never seen the world away, tasted the most delicious delicacies, felt the bitter cold, seen the leaves of autumn, met the biggest assholes, and most wonderful individuals, and experienced the life of a new yorker....not only have I experienced NY but being here opened me up to so many opportunities, I met a friend who took me to Philadelphia, I found my true passion in life, I got the opportunity to go SOUTH, and spend the summer in Canada...and the most important thing...I got to to grow up

As scary as it is sometimes, its one of the most accomplishing feelings..to know that you can take care of yourself, that you dont need anyone, and that I truly am invincible.

a beautiful stranger

left this in a library book for me to find:

Anything is one of a million paths. Therefore you must always keep in mind that a path is only a path; if you feel you should not follow it, you must not stay with it under any conditions. To have such clarity you must lead a disciplined life. Only then will you know that any path is only a path and there is no affront, to oneself or to others, in dropping it if that is what your heart tells you to do. But your decision to keep on the path or leave it must be free of fear or ambition. I warn you. Look at every path closely and deliberately. Try it as many times as you think necessary.

This question is one that only a very old man asks. Does this path have a heart? All paths are the same: they lead nowhere. They are paths going through the bush, or into the bush. In my own life I could say I have traversed long long paths, but I am not anywhere. Does this path have a heart? If it does, the path is good; if it doesnt, it is of no use. Both paths lead nowhere; but one has a heart, the other doesnt. One makes for a joyful journey; as long as you follow it, you are one with it. The other will make you curse your life. One makes you strong; the other weakens you.


this is beautiful considering I am currently changing my paths
I thought to take it, but I didnt want to take it away from someone else finding it and getting joy from it...so i left it...but i kept it here

a train of goodnews

i got accepted to USAC- PRAGUE THIS FALL!

i got into the PAST program- ATLANTA THIS SPRING BREAK!!!

my best friend bought tix- BEST FRIEND IN NEW YORK, NEXT MONTH!!!

and then all these wonderful good thoughts started to floodme
and i got excited about life again

and im not waiting anymore...im doing

play dress up

is one of the most fun things you do when your young
you dress up your proportionally incorrect barbies
and yourself


and when you grow up
you graduate to mostly just dressing up yourself

but

now that i found
http://www.couturious.com/

i will be playing barbie again

out there

sometimes i feel like someone hears me
someone out there sees me

but sometimes it seems like theres no one out there

im slumping
i need to pick it up

she made a promise

and in exactly 4 months from now it will be fulfilled completely
and thats what gets her through the days

technology hates me

in my younger days i never had a digital camera because i kept breaking them but finally ive stopped doing that and have gone on to break other electronics
ive gone through a million phones because i cant keep one without breaking it
my current one the button wont work so i can only respond to txts that i get i cant send out any
my laptop
well its in shangles, i had to replace the hard drive last summer
the j key is missing and the notches and screws are all out, but it still works so im going with it
last year i spilled alcohol on my zune, bought a new one...dropped taht in the subway
bought an mp3...lost it...bought an ipod touch and had for a month
and i just lost that.
fuck

i should never be given anything expensive im not good with them

get me the fuck out of here

i hate the way everyone walks about with their solipsistic attitudes
completely discordant with the way i live my life

Stop being so impassive; its okay to cry sometimes, or yes dare I say, smile!

february

can suck it
not one not two but three fucking snowstorms
a shitty holiday that ruins everything
and time moving the slowest rate ever
and a holiday we dont even get off...so we just get laughed at on the day
i hate it
when i grow up i am going to go on a trip
a wonderful trip
every february

only a fool

would think that she could survive a lifetime without anyone
without the love and help of a family
without the love and companionship of best friends
without the love and warmth of a home
without the love and hot hot hot sex of a boy(s)


"I hope she'll be a fool-that's the best thing a girl can be in this world, a beautiful little fool."

What a fool I am.

sapir-whorf

words that other languages have that we need

avos- Russian- meaning best wishes against the worst luck
ubuntu- Zulu- a philisophy that we are all connected and we must take care of each other for which it is how we can survive, survival through others, me=we, we are all one, share
weltschmerz-german- meant to describe weariness of life, pessimistic outlook, romantic despair
weltanschauung- philosophy of life
distingue- french- in keeping with polite standards

In Greek there are seven different words for love, which is appropriate because we love our mothers differently from how we love our lifepartners or our favorite pair of shoes...i have yet to find them, but working on it

In Japanese, there is a word that means a thousand thanks, or a word meant to thank someone in ways you cannot

In malaysian and hopi there is no past, present or future tense...something is simply is or isnt

oh language is so beautiful, so diverse
i want to know it all

Dear Athetist,

You are an an idiot.

To think that a higher being does not exist is absurd.

To think that all religion wrong, is to say that you know more than everyone and everyone who lived before you.

You try to practice your life in the most "secular" lifestyle possible
yet that is not possible.

Religion is in everything.

Language.

Words such as blessed, OH MY GOD!, JESUS CHRIST!, HOLY COW!

and goodbye yes goodbye

the etymology of goodbye came from God be with you.

but is now a dead metaphor we say to each other when we part.

I'm sure the list of examples are endless, but for now thats all I can think of off the top of my head.

smiles

There are days I drop words of comfort on myself like falling rain and remember it is enough to be taken care of by myself.

note to self

you can only blame your problems on the world for so long

is it bad?

that i can see everyones flaws and they bother me to the point of almost hating them
these "people" are not just people though
they are friends, accquintances and fucking roomates ( who i hate so much, and one day i fear i might just lose it on them!)

okay venting blog

dear roomates: shut the fuck up! its 2am, people are sleeping dont fucking bring your belligerent,rude entourage and fucking congregate in the living room (right out side your door)
tell your fuckin friend stop crashing on the couch i dont wanna fucking tiptoe in the morning while i cook breakfast
if something bothers you, fucking do it yourself...dont bitch about the rubbish, fucking take it out yourself stop leaving signs...ill ignore them
stop bitching about your shit...i have my own shit, it goes missing sometimes too....we live in a communal environmen...its not me btw its your fucking entourage that you leave the kitchen so accessible to that takes your shit...i dont wanna hear it

oh be nice....if there are other dishes in the sink fucking wash it...i do this all the time...i also vaccum when its dirty and wipe the counters and do lots of shit...that i dont complain about

i cannot wait to never speak to you again

dear friends,

you have a lot of a great qualities, but at the moment i seemed to have forgotten what they are....
all i can think about is how fuckin stupid you are, how dependant, immature, ignorant, judgemental, scared , flaky and annoying you are...
im glad to have this alone time...people are too much work

dear fellow purchase students,

you are not cool!
your not!
your hipster clothing that mommy and daddy bought you means nothing
your avant-grade bfa in visual arts will not land you a fabolous loft in soho oneday
your cliquey little judgemental friends will drop you...ugh i hate you

dear newyork,

you are nothing but big buildings and flashy lights, and the same goes for your people
under neath it all there is no "hearrt" of NY, you used to have heart and soul but its gone now
one of my favorite movies ever paris, je t'aime was a series of love stories in paris
it made my heart flutter and feel light
i watched the ny version
omg can you say bad mood, it was so depressing...and really showed me what NY is about
and i am certain i need to leave it...i dont want to be like any of the characters in the movie
who denied truelove, and found purpose in one-night stands and hookups
which i dont think are wrong at all
but there is no love in them....real love

dear self,

you really need to re-evaluate the things/people you surround yourself with...you are not as strong as you thought you were...you need to admit your mistakes more that you need people in your life...and to stop saying hate...and to be a less materialistic- you dont need that many shoes!, you need to open up more, give people more chances, give yourself a little more love...and call your sister and family and say thankyou and ilove you more...and maybe maybe try to slow down sometimes..

so what im saying is im tired of a lot of things and well its time to move on.

EXPLORER

when i grow up

i want a garden
i want to grow my own vegetables and cook with them
and flowers
flowers all the time to fill my home

fresh flowers everyday from my garden all the time

saddened

by the thought that some people will never see the world
that they will miss out on so many experiences

it makes me sad that most of my friends will have to rely on my stories
to learn about the world...and not their own...

they're too scared of it...

EXPLORER

life is a series of fleeting moments

of Highs
and Lows

The other day i swear I was on cloud9...today not so much
first off
Why wont people hire me!!!! I swear i am smart, a fast learner and easy to get along with!
PLEASE ANY TAKERS?!!

some bad news today ...i hope she still comes
im mad at my stomach and toungue for always demanding food, shits expensive

but then i go to my class dead tired...completely unmotivated and halfway into the lecture i feel like i left and im in another country seeing their world for myself...and then the lights come back on and i look around and im in a classroom, and i run back to my room because im cold and because it feels like i havent been there in forever....because i went on this epic adventure and have been away for long...but i havent

the ability to escape from this world into another is quite possibly the best High

there are so many things i can do...so many things in life to be excited about i get so figedty sometimes and dont want to sleep because i have a list of things i WANT to do...not HAVE to...but well some i have to, but I want to!

Explorer

it was not a dream

last night happenned

i went on an exclusive party with AMANDA BLANK....WITHHH!

not to see or watch but WITH!

went to bed when the sun came up in um NYC!

so umm round two tonite!

this time invite from new favorite friend

BrooklynSTYLE!

did i mention last night i left my fisheye at the bar...and called today maybe hoping some decent sole found it...and they DID!

and theyre holding it for me and im picking it up tmrw!

Dear beautiful soul,

I love you more than you ever imagine...the monetary value of the camera is only $30

but the pictures were worth wayyyy more than you can know!

and now i'll have them back! ;)

newyorkers are wonderful and NICE...soooo NICE

i dont think i can leave

humility

there is no such thing as a "truly generous act"

the bushmen of the kalahari understand that

i am going to make a conscience effort to be like

them...Seeing as we live in a world full of

LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME!

we miss other things we should learn to be humble

and gracious and be proud but not boast

why

is it that i think of some more than others?
i spent my entiring year living with her and i dont even remember, but some I've met a few times but feel like I've known them forever...

am I so spoiled...but still complain? Why do others?

did i leave warm sunny happy hawaii and move to the fucking icy bitter cold newyork?

NEW NEW YEARS RESOLUTION: Not buy anymore clothes/shoes...I dont need any, nor do I have any room for any...

Dear Purchase

You try too hard
and it shows.


I've decided I need an oversized navyblue blazer and orange lipstick (for when I get pale again, which will happen in a month kinda excited about it!)

and that I hate jeans...they're ugly, stiff, ordinary and they dont even keep you warm!

are you

happy now that you're living the life everyone wanted you to have?

wander...wonder....wunder

today was absolutely glorious

i had no place to be
no one to be with so i just explored


and i came across a beadshop

went inside

found beads cut in northern india and tibet

and asked this wonderful indian lady how to make earrings

ive never done it before

but i sat there for almost 3 hours

and look look look look what i made!

dangerous

im addicted to pain killers i take at least 3 a day...because my wisdom teeth hurt...but i got them pulled a week ago...WTF!!

i havent slept in days...which is retarded since i run my body hard all day...then go home dead tired...collapse in my bed and wake up an hour later fully wired...WTF!!!

i just want sleep...please....just one night...not to wakeup i dont want to resort to sleeping pills but at this point im desperate...

i have to fill out my FAFSA and i dont know what to put...fuck i dont know where ill be next year...but it wont be newyork...goddamn though i wish i could pickup purchase and move it to hawaii i really like my classes and professors...

im in ny

stupid

chictopia wont let me upload pics....lies...and i just found out i have really cute outfits and now i want to show them all off

i just lost my wallet

not even here a day

and my skin is starting to dry out

im excited for class tmrw...toobad its at 6:30pm

now i have to go tell my basketball coach im quitting...kinda excited about it...because ill have loads of wonderful free time to make friends and then hang out with them!


oh and i just got nominated for a studyabroad scholarship for nextyear!

its a sign!

wooooooo exctasy!

i dont care if i get into trouble for this

but i dont even care that HAiti is in trouble what good comes out of Haiti anyway?

i like brain sex more than vaginal sex

i hate basketball

i dont like newyork

everything i thought was lame in hawaii....ISNT!

everything i thought was cool in NY....ISNT!


this is the first time in 2 weeks my mouth is not in some kind of pain


the better it feels the worse it is for you.

i digress

i should be asleep
i took a sleeping pill...yet i lie here restless..thinking about my future
ive decided to put these thoughts down...i dont know why...because i am basically speaking to one person by posting it here (hi michelle) but still...ill write...

i have a few days left here...and i wish it werent this way at all...time after time its getting harder to leave hawaii...
the first time i left...way back in 08 i was excited to brave the new exicting college life in newyork...and although i never been so excited in my life....there was a small part of me that didnt want to go...you see i just had this amazing lifechanging summer....and didnt want to let go of it...but i knew that staying wouldnt mean that my summer would still last...so i left eagerly and happily....for a year at adelphi i was dazzled by the bright lights and fast paced life of newyorkcity...omg it was a whirlwind for yes dear i say i was a naive little girl who had never seen such sights and experienced the citylife...i tasted it, smelled it, and felt it...i gave everything a chance...the fucking lame clubbing in long island with guittos (sp) and vulgar vulgar reggagetron or whatever the fuck that was....i honest to god tasted and tried everything...i was nice to everyone the lame long island princesses....and stupid jocks....everything i tried, not once but from the words of andrew zimmerman try it twice...i did...and i still didnt like it...
i got to experience fall oh is it beautiful! but with that beauty comes the cold, and its not fun!
and the winter! i got to play in snow but as fun as it is its FUCKING COLD! and as many snowball fights and snowmen you can experience im sorry but the cold is just overbearing!

then i came home in the summer...more scared and apprehensive than excited....brought home everyone i could...and had a blast, eventhough someone ruined a few days...but while i was here...i tried to hate...tried to resist...but my last days here...i once again felt an even bigger part of me not wanting to leave...which was weird considering i wasnt speaking to one of my bestfriends and the other one was in alaska...yet i still didnt feel as lonely as i do in ny...

now i dont know how i will muster up the willpower to get on that plane...and walk away from a crying sister who i love so dearly and have come to realize she is the rory to my lorelai (me)...and walk away from a time that has brought me to the level of happiness i havent felt since the summer of 08...

and lets talk about when i didnt come home for christmas that year...and i never really told anyone what i did...i lied to everyone..i said to my coach i was staying here...i said to my family i went to pittsburgh...but really i spent in my dorm room alone...i went to church alone in nyc...had a nice dinner with a friend and her family...and although they were warm and nice...it wasnt my family and it just made me feel worse... so
this year i barely got any presents because my parents asked me what i wanted and icouldnt tell them...because i got what i wanted i was home and loved, so i got socks and scarves but it didnt matter just sitting around them was enough...i was beaming with happiness

newyearseve...i did what many want to do...what many witness from their homes...timesquare....it is not as great as you think it is...it is cold cold...and your standing for 6hours and people are not friendly...they are cold and angry...and you get into fights...and u just cant wait for midnight because you want it to be over so you can say you did it...but mostly so you can be warm again...id much rather spend that in a random party with strangers who are much nicer...drunk and with a bestfriend whos half the size of my butt and im wearing her clothes....in the warm warm hawaii...this year topped last year by a million

im thinking what do i even have in ny....i dont know

i left hawaii for newyork because i wanted to study arthistory and well duh newyork isthe place to be with the MoMa and the Met and all the endless museums...but now i find art vacuous...unsatisfying

i also left because i had been here all my life and i am the most curious creature in the world...the only reason i am not a virgin is because i was so curious as to what sex was i had to try it...every single action is done because of my curiousity...i wont talk to you unless im curious..and well now i know newyork my curiousity has been satisfied...ive explored it all and tried it...and well it kinda sucks

maybe just for me because its so expensive...and i am not fortunate enough to have parents who support me in anyway...neither in school or in my existence...i realized i've blewn through $40,000 in the past two years...and its of my money...money i dont even have yet...that if i stay in ny any longer i definitely wont have...

did i mention you can surf and skate here in hawaii...and its free! and its always open! and the weather is always nice so thats never an excuse! and its a physical activity! and i can go whenever i want! and you can go alone or with someone! and well not all surfers/skaters are chronics or retards...and if i decide to do it doesnt mean i am to become one!

do you know what you can do in ny that is free? that is open whenever you want? that is free?!!! that is physical and fun?! and can be done alone or with friends?!!! NOTHING! NOTHING ITELL YOU!!! for me to have fun in ny i need at least $20! thats sad....

so the plan now...go back for the next 4 months...ace through my 22 credits...come home for a bit...go to russia, do a semester in prague....then finish it up at home at UH....which is pointless considering the fact that im already a junior and should just stick it out at Purchase for another year...but that will cost another $20,000 versus $4,500... I honestly think i've spent enough money on my fucking curiousity!

would you like some cheese to go with your

WINE

WINE

wisdom teeth my ass...there is no wisdom in them...and why would i want my wisdom removed?

you can suck it!
i cant control my saliva glands and have receded to the state of a teething two year old
i cant talk....all i did was watch trash today on tv because i am a WINER and i cannot handle anything else
i havent had a single conversation because i cant talk

my dad is still mad at me two days...waht a little bitch
so he didnt let me use his surfboards so i attempted to surf with a shortboard= FAIL!

i cant even paddle on it

tmrw will be fabolous

ive decided to make up for this poopy day

pour some sugar on me

high

unbelievably high right now
soaring above the clouds

because i just spent the last 3 and half hours talking to my best friend inRussia
who I will see this summer

and I saw her for the first time in 2 years...and shes so pretty!

Really now I am high


and my cheeks hurt from laughing and smiling and talking so much!

note to self

my father is a bipolar skitso that is why i left hawaii

do not let fat people ride my skateboard....it is now broken!
it was beautiful...it is gone...it was only a few weeks old...

dont get too excited for things that have not happenned yet

people are surprising and disappointing at the same time

they keep me on my feet

i cant believe he broke my skateboard
but i cant be mad because he is FAT like FAT but fuck if your so fat you break skateboards when you ride them...DONT!

p.s. people are not expendable

people are special

everyone is unique and losing friends is not okay

i had to search to find myself

i didnt remember

maybe i should really really learn french
and stop switching things to foreign languages icant speak

i am confused

i am a gypsy

i cant say that i like new york anymore