Mom

Its been 20 years and I still havent met you
we still dont know each other
but I am learning who you were, before I was

Im reading your dreams, FDIM!! Really mom! You were accepted!
Mom thats wonderful! I feel a bit guilty for taking your dreams from you
maybe you didnt go because you didnt think it would be practical.

I swear to God I will burst into flames if I see another person give up on their dreams because its not practical

Mom, these words your writing..theyre beautiful
and Im realizing we are more alike than I thought
I am your daughter and I hope that you are proud of me

I am going to live each and every dream, because you couldn't
Thank you for giving me all this

stop holding my breath

Czech republic visa approved and ready for my pickup

I cannot wait to return to NY Consulate passport in hand, smile on face.

I can finally breathe

I just need to find out my work schedule

I found everything, no black hole in this room

I dreamt you died and woke up in your bed, and was happy that your alive
what is it about you that I need to have?

Your youth, curiousity, everlasting trust/belief that this world is good and beautiful?
I'm seeing it again, I hate that I have to leave you always.

But I'll come back and I'll be here for a while, for you.

the I will List

within the next 7 days I will

get a job

get my license

go surfing at least 2x

beach it till im black and brown

finish essay

book ticket

USAC

this is it

the last night
and i hope to god it ends soon
it cant go by any slower
i want to shoot them all
this is it
this is the fucking last

the list

of things that will happen when i am home

kapena falls
seven falls
sacred falls
manana trail
get a fucking job
catamaran boat ride
floatie waikiki rental
license
snorkeling (northshore)
waianae beach day
see kamalei/baby

a few things i wanted to say

I feel better

stupid

ive never felt this way before
its kind of liberating

cause you just dont give a fuck and it doesnt really bother you

and it doesnt matter anyway cause when she tells you you failed
shes speaking french
and you failed french
so you dont understand a word.