i digress

i should be asleep
i took a sleeping pill...yet i lie here restless..thinking about my future
ive decided to put these thoughts down...i dont know why...because i am basically speaking to one person by posting it here (hi michelle) but still...ill write...

i have a few days left here...and i wish it werent this way at all...time after time its getting harder to leave hawaii...
the first time i left...way back in 08 i was excited to brave the new exicting college life in newyork...and although i never been so excited in my life....there was a small part of me that didnt want to go...you see i just had this amazing lifechanging summer....and didnt want to let go of it...but i knew that staying wouldnt mean that my summer would still last...so i left eagerly and happily....for a year at adelphi i was dazzled by the bright lights and fast paced life of newyorkcity...omg it was a whirlwind for yes dear i say i was a naive little girl who had never seen such sights and experienced the citylife...i tasted it, smelled it, and felt it...i gave everything a chance...the fucking lame clubbing in long island with guittos (sp) and vulgar vulgar reggagetron or whatever the fuck that was....i honest to god tasted and tried everything...i was nice to everyone the lame long island princesses....and stupid jocks....everything i tried, not once but from the words of andrew zimmerman try it twice...i did...and i still didnt like it...
i got to experience fall oh is it beautiful! but with that beauty comes the cold, and its not fun!
and the winter! i got to play in snow but as fun as it is its FUCKING COLD! and as many snowball fights and snowmen you can experience im sorry but the cold is just overbearing!

then i came home in the summer...more scared and apprehensive than excited....brought home everyone i could...and had a blast, eventhough someone ruined a few days...but while i was here...i tried to hate...tried to resist...but my last days here...i once again felt an even bigger part of me not wanting to leave...which was weird considering i wasnt speaking to one of my bestfriends and the other one was in alaska...yet i still didnt feel as lonely as i do in ny...

now i dont know how i will muster up the willpower to get on that plane...and walk away from a crying sister who i love so dearly and have come to realize she is the rory to my lorelai (me)...and walk away from a time that has brought me to the level of happiness i havent felt since the summer of 08...

and lets talk about when i didnt come home for christmas that year...and i never really told anyone what i did...i lied to everyone..i said to my coach i was staying here...i said to my family i went to pittsburgh...but really i spent in my dorm room alone...i went to church alone in nyc...had a nice dinner with a friend and her family...and although they were warm and nice...it wasnt my family and it just made me feel worse... so
this year i barely got any presents because my parents asked me what i wanted and icouldnt tell them...because i got what i wanted i was home and loved, so i got socks and scarves but it didnt matter just sitting around them was enough...i was beaming with happiness

newyearseve...i did what many want to do...what many witness from their homes...timesquare....it is not as great as you think it is...it is cold cold...and your standing for 6hours and people are not friendly...they are cold and angry...and you get into fights...and u just cant wait for midnight because you want it to be over so you can say you did it...but mostly so you can be warm again...id much rather spend that in a random party with strangers who are much nicer...drunk and with a bestfriend whos half the size of my butt and im wearing her clothes....in the warm warm hawaii...this year topped last year by a million

im thinking what do i even have in ny....i dont know

i left hawaii for newyork because i wanted to study arthistory and well duh newyork isthe place to be with the MoMa and the Met and all the endless museums...but now i find art vacuous...unsatisfying

i also left because i had been here all my life and i am the most curious creature in the world...the only reason i am not a virgin is because i was so curious as to what sex was i had to try it...every single action is done because of my curiousity...i wont talk to you unless im curious..and well now i know newyork my curiousity has been satisfied...ive explored it all and tried it...and well it kinda sucks

maybe just for me because its so expensive...and i am not fortunate enough to have parents who support me in anyway...neither in school or in my existence...i realized i've blewn through $40,000 in the past two years...and its of my money...money i dont even have yet...that if i stay in ny any longer i definitely wont have...

did i mention you can surf and skate here in hawaii...and its free! and its always open! and the weather is always nice so thats never an excuse! and its a physical activity! and i can go whenever i want! and you can go alone or with someone! and well not all surfers/skaters are chronics or retards...and if i decide to do it doesnt mean i am to become one!

do you know what you can do in ny that is free? that is open whenever you want? that is free?!!! that is physical and fun?! and can be done alone or with friends?!!! NOTHING! NOTHING ITELL YOU!!! for me to have fun in ny i need at least $20! thats sad....

so the plan now...go back for the next 4 months...ace through my 22 credits...come home for a bit...go to russia, do a semester in prague....then finish it up at home at UH....which is pointless considering the fact that im already a junior and should just stick it out at Purchase for another year...but that will cost another $20,000 versus $4,500... I honestly think i've spent enough money on my fucking curiousity!