your turning into john wayne

these past 2 days i've felt an utter sense of scurrilous disgust for myself
its not one of those fat days or bad hair days
but rather an aspersion

it has to to do with who i am
I dont know why such rectitude resonates so strongly within me
but 2 years ago I said I wanted to save the world
I dont know why but ever since then I've been taking on the weight of the world
learning about other cultures, places how theyre different beautiful and flawed

i am about to embark on a 6 month journey through europe it is what i always wanted
yet at the moment i want to just disappear, crawl into a cave and not let anyone find me
I always had this urgency to explore the unknown yet the more i learn
the more I am disappointed and let down
by the power of hate

i wish so hard sometimes that I didnt care so much or know so much

the happiest people are truly the dumbest
ignorance is bliss

how do I feel about being an American?

I feel aware, appreciative and guilty

I have all these privileges I did nothing to deserve
I didnt fight, I didnt pay, I didnt suffer and I have so much

i say thank you over and over
but its not enough

and it angers me when people complain about the littlest things
your problems are nothing theyre minuit
do you have electricity? a bed? water?

i should shut up because although I dont complain and I understand that I am so lucky, and understand life without the basics but only through the books and movies i've read and seen

not through first hand experience, I have this burden
And I feel as though the only way I can relieve my self of it is to suffer
to feel what others feel, their pain take some of their pain away so they hurt less
and i dont care that ill hurt more.

God! yes! God! i sound like i want to be fucking jesus

yet im nowhere near him
superhero syndrome

do they have pills for this?

I am thankful but I want to rid myself of it all, I dont need this much

goddamn it I wish I didnt have so many feelings