your turning into john wayne

these past 2 days i've felt an utter sense of scurrilous disgust for myself
its not one of those fat days or bad hair days
but rather an aspersion

it has to to do with who i am
I dont know why such rectitude resonates so strongly within me
but 2 years ago I said I wanted to save the world
I dont know why but ever since then I've been taking on the weight of the world
learning about other cultures, places how theyre different beautiful and flawed

i am about to embark on a 6 month journey through europe it is what i always wanted
yet at the moment i want to just disappear, crawl into a cave and not let anyone find me
I always had this urgency to explore the unknown yet the more i learn
the more I am disappointed and let down
by the power of hate

i wish so hard sometimes that I didnt care so much or know so much

the happiest people are truly the dumbest
ignorance is bliss

how do I feel about being an American?

I feel aware, appreciative and guilty

I have all these privileges I did nothing to deserve
I didnt fight, I didnt pay, I didnt suffer and I have so much

i say thank you over and over
but its not enough

and it angers me when people complain about the littlest things
your problems are nothing theyre minuit
do you have electricity? a bed? water?

i should shut up because although I dont complain and I understand that I am so lucky, and understand life without the basics but only through the books and movies i've read and seen

not through first hand experience, I have this burden
And I feel as though the only way I can relieve my self of it is to suffer
to feel what others feel, their pain take some of their pain away so they hurt less
and i dont care that ill hurt more.

God! yes! God! i sound like i want to be fucking jesus

yet im nowhere near him
superhero syndrome

do they have pills for this?

I am thankful but I want to rid myself of it all, I dont need this much

goddamn it I wish I didnt have so many feelings

waking up

from dreaming

i got so used to having you around now that your not all i feel is this lonely seperation
it all seems like a wonderful dream that has ended now that i am woken up
finals, study, pack shit
2 weeks home

i can do this
i can do this
i can do this

if i say it enough times ill believe it

i can do this

sweet disposition

fine we wont talk

its okay i have lots who do talk to me, and love me
and i will have more

my life is wonderful with or without you

you really don't make a difference






but obviously you do if I am thinking about you now and writing it

and theres still sand in my boots from coney island
i think that is one of my favorite spots in the whole world even though the weather is always terrible there

we thought you forgot

but you didnt

fuckin linda is a twat...she said it and now its happenning

but im glad because I would have never let myself say it

and it needed to be said

I will love her always

headspin

today i thought all my dreams were going to die, but now i found out everything is okay

if the czech republic is like their consulate oh fuckkkyesss!!!

i am getttinggg laiddddd!!

oh and linda taught me howto make this and its delicious

shes not here, shes in massachusetts

but i will see her in a few hours in jersey

i fucking love us, traveling duo, shes someone i can count on

i love my international friends

If I told you the truth you wouldnt believe me

i am a kid

i aint no grown ass woman

"Twat!"

How the fuck am I suppose to leave this moment? I want to sit in it forever!

Bestfriends seeing a picture of a moment we shared leads to another moment shared!

wave of euphoria

Utopia

Infinite.

these moments are the best. this person

time to play

im going to go get my best friend in the city
were gonna go hard for 2 weeks
then finals

then i come home
and play some more

approved!

affirmative thinking

i am a firm believer that your thoughts are magnetic and pull the forces of the universe to help you get what you want

so...

dear universe,

APPROVE! APPROVE! APPROVE! APPROVE! AAAAAAAPPPPPPPRRRRRRRROOOOOVVVVEEEEEEE!!!

thats it just approve it please

I swear to god I have the weirdest dreams during my midday naps.

i just want an approval

en vie

so my russian visa is only for a month

and i didnt know what to do for the whole month i have until my studyabroad program

now i know

im going to bavaria, germany and working on a farm

yes i am! im spending my summer in the countryside of germany!!

and russia! and the french film festival ended

goddamn it was awesome still relinquishing in all my free shit

like these amazinggg french drinks that taste like cream soda but are healthy!

oh and my best friend arrives in 2 days!!!

you dont know how excited i am to be alive!!

oddly wonderful

i woke this morning feeling like im somewhere else
like nothing in the world could bother me
that i no longer knew you
and i liked it

and then i loved you, because i cried
but it was a dream but i feel like it happenned
and im gonna let myself think it has because its left me feeling this way
which i can describe as utter utopia

there are some

truly wonderful people in this world

the ones that remembered matter

this is kaitlynn, 20 years old, happy beyond belief!

its not everyday

you get a special invitation from Russia

or mail from Russia

or a visa application for Czech Republic

or invited to go to Dublin and Amsterdam for a ffucking insane time

or you turn 20, and the fact that you are alive is enough reason to be happy and celebrate with life

note to self

happy 20th birthday

im sorry i couldnt celebrate
and let you do anything and everything kaitlynn today

but it seems im too busy to have a birthday
so does this mean that im not 20?

everyone failed
never expect people to do more than the norm, they are so ordinary and average

tricked

purchase tricked me
i thought it was a place for those who are different, the minorities
its not..it was confirmed when i actually met better versions of people i already knew
the ones i loved, hated purchase as much as i do, or purchase hates them

the decision to leave is perfect

im a misfit among misfits, but im not alone

i learned that i am that 1 out of 4 people (the exceptions)
the ones who truly cant fit in, even in a school built on the perception of challenging the norm
theyre the most mundane individuals ive met

hipsters are the most disgusting group of people, and i just cant get along with black people

i am usually a good judge of character but i totally misread her
ill invite her home

im sorry i overlooked you
lets be friends now

that just happenned

atlanta
i found better versions of people i already knew
of course i make wonderful friends when im about to leave
i wished that i carried around a bag a rocks so i could throw them at you
then you compliment me relentlessly.shit.

italian films suck
there are more bad than good, but the good outshines the good
i can handle anything

i lost my ipod (again) and my fisheye camera
and i dont even care

im a dirty jerk

i have to go on a diet. not for my weight for my body, i was very mean to it last week

im all disheveled
i cant believe it all happenned
i felt like was thrown in a blender with 14 other odd flavors and made this weird but delicious shake
and now its gone

i need a vacation from my vacation
i want to go back but i like where i am now

i used to be jealous when i traveled alone, and saw people in groups
now i cant wait to be alone again

im very likeable

i have one month left in New york
this always happens the last days are always the best days